A delicate balance that is impossible to make

The hardest part of being the Papa of twins is the balancing of other priorities that one is forced to make. For example, my father is still being held in the hospital as he awaits a transfer to a long-term care facility. This has been going on since May of this year. Of course there have been numerous medical procedures he has had to undergo in the meanwhile but now that he is medically-stable (as the hospital people say) he just waits until a bed comes available, there is a community transition worker on shift that day and the stars align in his favour.

Part of the problem is that I will not take the twins into this particular hospital because it is so disgustingly dirty that I would not want to put my children at risk to illness by taking them there. The smell of feces and urine is so overwhelming on the ward my father is being held on that it makes me gag when I walk up to see him. How could I take my little ones to such a disgusting place?

Remember the scene in the Tom Cruise movie, Born on the Fourth of July where he is in the veteran’s hospital? It was not pleasant, in fact you might say it was disgusting and horrible. That is the feeling that I get when I go up to the ward that my father is being held on.

So I am forced to balance my few hours after work between coming home and seeing my babies while they are awake and trying to get over to see my father and also see my mother who has also had her lifetime partner stolen away. It is not a balance I am happy making. There are too many losers in the balancing act I am trying to accomplish.

I try to reassure myself that my father would understand. I know he would have when he was well and at home. I’m not so sure he understands the balancing act I am forced to live with now that he is in the hospital, and so alone. My heart aches in this situation. It aches because I do miss seeing my father.