Why I Detest Valentines Day

After extensive research and consultation, I have come to the conclusion that Valentines Day is the worst quasi-holiday of all the Hallmark style holidays that there are.

Valentines Day Flowers
Valentines Day Flowers

Honestly, there is no win for Valentines Day. No matter what you do, it is likely that you’ve done it wrong.

Say for example you go out and pay the ransom that the overworked and under appreciated florists want for a dozen roses. What a complete waste of money. The receiver of your generosity (stupidity) will likely tell you that directly to your face – you are a fool for having paid that much for roses! The week after Valentines Day the roses will be reduced again to less than twenty bucks a dozen. However if you go out and buy 10 dozen roses for your sweetheart a week after Valentines Day you will forever be seen as a cheapskate and a loser to that woman.

Say you want to try a different approach and get chocolate? Good luck. The line-ups are out of sight and it is all overpriced and crappy chocolate. Unless you actually get the good stuff. Clothing as a gift? The stuff you want (you dirty bird!) will never get worn. I wish you well.

And then once you are a father it’s even worse. Your kid or kids have to make Valentines Day cards or gifts for every other individual in their class if not their entire school. You wouldn’t want to exclude any of the little twerps.

Some whack job parents even have their kids give chocolates to the other kids in their class. I can imagine those parents are at home laughing quite hysterically about the mayhem that is going on in the homes of the recipients of all those the chocolates and red-dye filled candies. Good luck being the parent who says “no, you can’t eat the little gift your best-friend for the day gave you.”

The only thing that has spared us any mercy in our battle with the Valentines Day style massacre of our wallets and self esteem is the growth of the dollar store.

The dollar store is the great big fat fuck you to the Hallmark Empire and their attempt to turn every point of life into a card giving opportunity. I kid you not, I saw a card with a happy circumcision message – “Here’s a card to say we’re happy the ritual of cutting the end of your kid’s dick went well!

Before the dollar store phenomenon swept across our nation you could expect to pay $4 or $5 or even $10 for a stupid Valentines Day card that will, without a doubt be thrown away the very next day. Now instead of blowing $5 or $10 on a card you can pop into any dollar store and get any card you want for one dollar. Of course before the Valentines Day card get thrown away you will probably be ridiculed for picking the wrong card. Fact is there is no right card.

The only good thing about Valentines Day is that the next Hallmark Day that follows is St. Patrick’s Day. St. Patrick’s Day is all about wearing stupid hats, green clothing and drinking green beer. At least you’re drinking beer and there’s no expectations of romance, flowers, cards or chocolate.

Yes, give me St. Patrick’s Day any day and keep your stinking Valentines Day for yourself.