What is it like to be the father of twins?

The first question I will answer comes from a reader who says, “My wife is going to have twins in a couple of months and I was wondering if you could tell me what the next two years of my life will be like?”

Well, this is a question I can easily answer seeing as I am the father of twins and in fact there is a relatively quick way of simulating the experience of being the father of twins!

First, go out and buy a 4 litre jug of whole milk. Preferably organic. If it is selling for $8.00 then give the people at the store a ten and be happy.

Now get home, go into your bedroom closet and pour half that jug of milk over your clothing. Be sure to slop the milk into the part of the closet where your favourite shirt and suit are. Be generous with the milk but be sure to save some.

As you come out of your bedroom, slop some of the leftover milk on the carpet. Quick question for you, do you have new carpet? If not, you should replace all the carpeting in your house before continuing.

Now go out to your car and pour the remainder of that milk onto the floor of your car. Hopefully it has some kind of carpeting material to absorb the milk.

Next, return to your bedroom and begin trying to wipe up the extra milk that is dripping off your clothing. Don’t worry of you can’t get it all, you never will.

Once the milk is spilled, go to your local Walmart (yes, you will be forced to shop at Walmart from now on and yes, you will know when it opens and closes…to the minute). Go to the toy department and buy 10-15 of the largest sets of lego blocks you can find. Don’t worry about the cost (this is for your child, don’t try being cheap now).

Go home, open the lego packages and sprinkle the pieces all over the floor. Get as many as you can in as wide a path as possible, focus on the high travel areas of your home; places like inside the doorway where you enter your home. AS I said, be generous.

Now you can turn of ALL lights and close up the house. Hopefully it is a scalding hot day!

Leave home for the afternoon and evening. Go to a fancy restaurant with a patio and enjoy the sunshine. Have some beverages. In fact, (check with your doctor before doing this next part) drink until you are silly. Of course you have arranged a ride home so you will NEVER drink and drive. NEVER.

Perhaps drink until you know you will be sick for the next day or two. Stay on the patio until you are dehydrated and saying all the wrong things to people and it is dark outside.

Now go home. Enter your home as you normally would, take your shoes and socks off and walk inside. Ah yes, the lego bits! Try jumping around them as best you can, hop from foot to foot and remember, NO SWEARING because your children might be listening!

Get into your bedroom and go to sleep. Don’t worry about anything. That is for the morning.

Morning comes and you are feeling pretty beat-up. Headache, stomach churning, a case of the flying axe handles coming on…yup. You are in trouble. And you have only had three or four hours sleep.

You wake up, stagger to the bathroom, step on lego (no swearing!) fall over, and then you get a whiff of rotting milk! Your stomach heaves, you hold on…you will be okay!

Get ready for work now. Oh, you were going to take a sick day? Not a chance! You have a big presentation to do at work and you have to be on your A-game.

Go to your car, climb in and … yep, that rotten milk is there too! Fact is, it will be everywhere you go for the next two years. To really get the car right you can grind a box of Ritz crackers into the car floor and seats.

Anyway, you are probably exhausted beyond belief. Get used to that feeling. You will feel like that for the next two years.

Is this helping? Are you getting the picture? Make no mistake, there is nothing greater than having kids. It is a glorious feeling and experience.

Any follow up questions, feel free to email me; theboilerroom2@gmail.com