The IOC’S Preliminary Report on Canadian Women’s Gold Medal Hockey Celebration

After yesterday’s Canadian women’s Olympic hockey team defeated (and shut out) the American hockey team, a sort of event we in Canada call a “Victory celebration” occurred. This “Victory celebration” took place in the hockey arena changing rooms and on the ice. It took place after the fans and spectators had left the building. It is reported that an AP reporter still in attendance was unfamiliar with the “Victory celebration” idea and phoned an IOC official to report(snitched or ratted-out) the Canadian women’s hockey team. Later that evening, the IOC said that they will be investigating the situation because it might not be the kind of event they condone.

In the public interest I have undertaken my own private investigation into the situation. Following are my findings:

  1. The Canadian women’s hockey team defeated the American women’s team and therefore won the GOLD medal.
  2. The Canadian women were overjoyed.
  3. The Canadian women were awarded GOLD medals in the arena, in front of the adoring fans and spectators.
  4. The building emptied of spectators, leaving the Canadian women’s hockey team in their change room and assorted media people in the building.
  5. Once the building was empty the Canadian women returned to the ice surface.
  6. As they are wont to do, the media followed.
  7. The Canadian women took part in a ritual called a “Victory celebration” that involved drinking beer and Champagne while smoking cigars, posing in silly positions and laughing.
  8. It is believed that one of the Canadian women is 18 years of age, below the legal drinking age in BC.
  9. No harm was done to the all-important IOC “brand.”
  10. The IOC was reportedly seen the following day trying to pull their collective heads out of their collective asses.

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